"Tonight, on a very special edition of Larry King Live, we
have an exclusive interview with Jed Greeley, president of
the English Protection Association (EPA). The association
was formed this year to protect the English language from
what it calls -- and I'm quoting here -- 'a murderous
assault from the Mexicans, Chinese and Indians.' Why are you
focusing on them, Jed?"
"We ain't focusing on nobody, Larry. Thems are the main ones, but there's other ones: the Colombians, the Iranians, the Pakistanians. They all be coming to America and they ain't speakin' English. It ain't right, Larry. If they ain't willing to speak English, dang it, they ain't deservin' to live in this free country.""But why the big concern, Jed? People speak lots of languages in other countries."
"Larry, it don't trouble us if they speaks Russian in
Russia, Chinese in China or Canadian in Canada. But these
are the United States of America. Over here, we speaks
English. I ain't no lingualist, but I do believe English is
the supremest language in the world. Jesus spoked English,
ya know?"
"So you believe that everyone in America should speak
English? No exceptions!"
"We ain't saying people gotta speak English in their houses
and all. We saying they gotta speak English when they's on
family outings, going to Wal-Mart and such. Also when they's
at work. I mean, the other day, I'm takin' a taxi and the
driver, he ain't understandin' a word I'm sayin'. I dang
gives him a piece of my mind. And ya know what he says to
me? He says I gotta brush up on my Urdu."
"But this is a land of immigrants. Our forefathers spoke
many different languages, including German, French and
Italian."
"But they be learnin' English soon. And ya know why, Larry?
Because back then, there wasn't no non-English channels on
TV. No Univision, no Al Jazeera, no dang Zee TV."
"Your association has started a petition to stop Mexicans
and other groups from making Spanish the official language
of America. Do you really think that's going to happen?"
"Dang right, it's gonna happen, if they gets what they
wants. Some officials already is speaking Spanish. And so is
most baseball players. They once plays in Major League
Baseball, now they calling it Las Grandes Ligas De Beisbol.
The Mexicans, they also been singin' the National Anthem in
Spanish and makin' jokes about Jorge W. Bush. They gettin'
my childrens to watch Dora the Explorer and say 'Hola Papi!'
to me. We gotta stop 'em now, Larry, before things gets too
far, before we ends up living in Estados Unidos de Am�rica
and eatin' enchiladas at Thanksgiving."
"So you see this as a pretty serious situation?"
"Dang right, we do. Look, Larry, if you wanna works on a
farm, you gotta speak Spanish; if you wanna works in a
motel, you gotta speak Gujurati; if you wanna works in the
stock market, you gotta speak Greek."
"The stock market? Isn't that all about numbers?"
"It's Greek to me, Larry."
"Oh, I see. Some people take pride in being bilingual and
trilingual. Have you ever considered learning another
language?"
"Another language? Come on, Larry, ain't it enough that I'm
fluenced in English?"
"Other than the petition, what is your group doing to
protect English in America?"
"Well, Larry, for one thing, we's making big signs to put at
the airports and borders: 'Welcome to America. We speaks
English here!'"
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